


It Gets Lonely Here

by Written_Whit



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28919805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Written_Whit/pseuds/Written_Whit
Summary: Moving on means dealing with the scars of the past. Something that Kageyama still has trouble doing.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	It Gets Lonely Here

**Author's Note:**

> Uh... so this has been in my head for days. And finally I wrote it just to get it to stop bothering me. I'm sorry in advance. 
> 
> No beta, just me and my mistakes (hopefully there aren't many)

_ Screeching tires. Shattered glass. Crunching metal. Locks of hair on his arm. Quiet, so much quiet. _

_ Something is missing, something important. There should be- _

Kageyama woke with a gasp, chest heaving as sweat streamed down his face in salty rivulets. Yellow eyes too large, too intent, peered down at him, the arm that had nudged him awake retreating. He tried to breathe, tried to calm, his fingers shaking and calves cramped with the agony of the memory turned nightmare.

“That’s the third one this week,” Bokuto sat back, voice hoarse with the lingering echoes of sleep. “At least you didn’t punch me in the nose this time.” The other man gave a half-hearted smile, unable to help himself in the residual tension. But that’s what Bokuto did, he laughed when everyone else wanted to cry, he smiled when it felt impossible, he lived when Kageyama felt like he just couldn’t do it anymore.

“What time is it?” His voice was shaky, throat scratchy and he wondered how badly he had been screaming. He sat up, shoving back to rest against the headboard and moved his fingers to the knotted muscles of his legs, working out the kinks gently in a routine he wished he never learned. 

Yellow eyes darted to the dresser, “Two-thirty. You think you can go back to sleep?” Kageyama shook his head, “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head again, “It’s the same as always.” His fingertips finished their journey to his ankles and he started the movement back up, kneading the flesh and wincing whenever he hit a particularly tender spot. “Nothing changes, nothing ever changes.” 

“Maybe, maybe not.” Bokuto moved to mirror his position on the other side of the bed, two toned hair messy and falling over his forehead. “What do you think made it come back?” The other man’s tone was gentle, soothing in the dark of early morning. His eyes though, bright and intense, were riveted on him and he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer.

Dropping his hands to his sides, he rested his head against the wood at his back, “Someone asked me if I was seeing anyone.” He paused, uncomfortable with saying more but knowing that it needed to be spoken, “Your name was the first one that popped into my head.” 

“Ah,” Bokuto sighed, his body relaxing as he wrapped his arms around his knees, “Is it bad that I feel guilty?” He turned his head, cheek resting on his arm as he continued to stare at Kageyama, studying his face, his body, looking for clues for how to help.

“Not as guilty as I do.” He muttered, huffing a sigh. 

“You should go talk to him.” Bokuto said the words gently but they came crashing through his mind with the weight of a hammer. “It might help with whatever it is that you’re dealing with.” 

“Why don’t you go talk to Akaashi?” He snarled the words and then immediately regretted them. He deflated, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” 

Bokuto gave him a sad smile, “It’s not the same thing. I know you’re hurting, so I’ll let it go.” He shuffled his body back under the covers, curling away from Kageyama and readying to go back to sleep. “But I still think you should. It will help.”

Kageyama stood, soft cotton sliding from him to pool on the bed as he strode from the room. He wouldn’t be sleeping again tonight and if he stayed, tossing and turning, Bokuto would quickly lose patience and kick him out anyway. Instead he would try to clear his mind by making it impossible to think about anything other than the heavy workout he had found helped in times like this. 

~*~ 

The following morning found him exhausted, perched on the barstool and draped tiredly over the countertop as he watched Bokuto move around the kitchen preparing breakfast. Thankfully today was a slow day for him, no practice with his team and nothing on the schedule other than his monthly appointment with his therapist. He still wasn’t so sure what the benefit of going to therapy was as most of the routines and coping mechanisms he had found had been discovered on his own. But at the urging of his parents and his teammates, he had started going and continued the tradition for no other reason than to talk about everything without accidentally hurting someone with his words. 

He found he did that a lot, unknowingly. He would share a memory or a thought and people around him would freeze, faces painted with various expressions of pain. He eventually just stopped sharing, which is when the nightmares had started. It wasn’t until Ushijima pulled him aside during practice where he had been dead on his feet and teetering side to side that he realized something needed to change. So therapy it was. 

For being fairly devoid of activities, the day still moved quickly and before he knew it he was perched on the comfortable chair in Dr. Ito’s office. The woman was pleasant, calm, and never failed to make him look at things critically no matter how uncomfortable it was. He hated it.

“How are things going?” She sat across from him, notepad perched on her crossed legs, pen at the ready to jot down every single interesting thing he said. Her chin was propped on her other hand, elbow resting on the side of the chair. “Anything new?”

He sighed, reminding himself that the only way he would see results is if he put in effort, just like with volleyball, he muttered, “The nightmare is back.” Her eyes widened and she motioned for him to continue. “Someone asked me if I was dating anyone, and the first name that popped into my head was Bokuto’s. The first nightmare happened that night, and then every night since.”

She hummed in acknowledgement, “And how are things with Bokuto?” The pen scratched across the paper in her lap, writing things he would never see no matter how curious he was of the observations made of him.

“Good, great even, when I’m not waking him up at two in the morning.” He chewed the inside of his cheek, “Sometimes I think he’s too good. I don’t understand why he sticks around at all, really.” 

She hummed again, he hated that noise, “You’ll have to ask him that, it might help.” She sat for a moment and he said nothing more, knowing that he probably wouldn’t like whatever she was about to suggest. “Have you talked to ...his other teammates lately?” 

His breath quickened and he clutched the arms of the chair, digging his nails into the leather. Flashes of memory shot through his mind, Miya Astumu screaming at him, Bokuto trying to separate them as tears streamed down his cheeks, the rest of his team staring at him in shock and anger. He shook his head, unable to bring himself to speak.

“You should do that, it would be good to check in from time to time.” She scribbled more, only glancing up at him.

“I don’t see the point, it’s not like he’ll ever play again.” His teeth ground together. She frowned at him before setting her notepad and pen aside on the small table next to her seat. 

Leaning forward, she clasped her hands in front of her, “I thought we had worked past this, Kageyama-san. It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it though?” He stared across the room, unwilling to meet her eyes. “I’m the one that needed a ride home. I’m the one that was driving. I’m the one who’s moving on.” He turned to face her, “Shouldn’t I feel guilt? Shouldn’t I feel how unfair it is?” 

She shook her head at him, “Have you talked to him about this?” She picked up her notepad and pen again, tapping the writing utensil against her chin. “That helped last time, maybe you should go talk to him again.” 

“That’s what Bokuto said.” He muttered the words under his breath, although she still heard him.

“Smart man.” She smiled gently at him, “Give it some thought. It might help to just...talk it out.” He sighed, knowing that he had already lost and dreading what he had to do next. He would put it off as long as possible, but now there was a timer on how long he could ignore it. Dammit.

~*~

He stepped through the front door of the apartment he shared with Bokuto, toeing off his shoes and switching to his house slippers before moving into the living room. Already he could smell the tangy aroma of dinner and knew if he went into the kitchen he would see the man who had picked him up when he thought he could fall no further. Taking a deep breath, he walked over to the set of barstools tucked carefully under the counter top, pulled one out, and sat down. 

Bokuto, always attentive, turned and grinned widely at him, eyes crinkling in the corners and teeth gleaming in the fluorescent light of the kitchen. “Dinner is almost ready. How was your appointment?” He turned back to the stove, spatula in hand, although Kageyam knew he was listening intently.

“Fine I guess.” He knew that wouldn’t be enough to satisfy the other man so he tacked on, “Apparently I should go talk to people.”

Bokuto’s head tilted to the side, turned slightly to settle his gaze on Kageyama through the corner of his eye, “Oh yeah? Like who?”

“You. Your team… Shouyou.” He chewed his lip, heart clenching at the mention of that name, “How is your team doing anyway?”

Bokuto turned off the burner and set the pot aside, letting it settle before serving, “They’re...okay. It’s been a long time, but it’s still hard to get used to the fact that he’s not going to spike ‘Tsumu-kun’s sets or fake sneeze on Kiyoomi-kun anymore. But they’re getting by.” Bokuto paused, as if thinking carefully over the words he would say next. “They would probably enjoy talking to you now, they miss you too.”

“Ha. I doubt that, but I will think about it.” Kageyama stared, willing himself to say the words and ask a question that very well may give an answer he never wanted to hear. “Why are you with me, Koutarou? This can’t be pleasant, dealing with all of this.”

Bokuto huffed a laugh, “I knew this was coming.” Bokuto grinned at him, “Just fishing for compliments aren’t ya?” Kageyama shook his head in exasperation, smiling lightly, the expression foreign and not as easy to come by as it used to. “You already know why I left Akaashi. I couldn’t love him while I loved someone else that I couldn’t have, it wasn’t fair to anyone.”

“And then...I guess at first it was mutual pain. We were both hurting for the same things and didn’t really have anyone else to talk to. And then, well Shouyou-kun put it best, you grow on people like a fungus.” He laughed, breaking through the tension in a way that only he ever seemed to manage, “And then, there you were, everything I didn’t know I needed and suddenly you were someone I can’t live without. Most of all, I wanted to be that someone for you too. That someone who gave you a reason to keep trying and to not give up.” 

Kageyama’s throat tightened with emotion, sadness, anger, and love all swirling together and making it hard for him to breathe. “You are that for me, Koutarou. I can’t ever repay you for pulling me out of the hole I put myself into after….everything.” Warm arms wrapped around him, a muscled chest pressing against his back as Bokuto held him as he fell apart again, ready to help him piece it back together just like he always did. 

~*~

He trailed across the grass, blanket in hand and heart in his throat. He hated coming here, but they couldn’t really meet anywhere else, so he did the best he could to make the situation more comfortable. Finding his target, he carefully picked his way over, careful to avoid any flowers or other people that may be in his path. 

It was quiet as he spread the blanket and sat down, but it was always quiet when he came here. Gone were the shouted words of greeting, warm body bouncing around and pressing against his. Now there was just grass and silence under a cloudy afternoon sky. 

Trying to find the words to start, knowing that he always had to start, he finally gave in and simply said, “I still feel guilty that this is what happened to you. If I hadn’t needed you to come pick me up from that game…”

_ Screeching tires. Shattered Glass. Crunching metal. _

“Maybe none of this would have happened. You would still be playing volleyball. I could still look you in the eye and tell you I love you.” 

_ Locks of hair on his arm. Quiet, so much quiet. _

“Koutarou and I are doing well. And I feel guilty about that too.” He laid down, eyes turned skyward as he tucked his hands under his head and crossed his ankles. “He’s good to me. He puts up with all of my baggage. He misses you too. Your whole team, everyone, misses you.” He waited, hoping for some kind of response but knowing that one wasn’t coming, would never come. “I just… want to know that it’s okay that this is happening. That I’m moving on, but not forgetting. Never forgetting.” 

_ Something is missing, something important. _

He closed his eyes, slowing his breaths and trying to relax, to get comfortable in this new normal between them. He would never be comfortable, it would never be normal, but there wasn’t much else he could do. The sun finally broke through the blanket of clouds and streamed across his face, warming his skin and turning the inside of his eyelids red.

He lingered, wondering when he would need to leave before his face turned pink with exposure. “I don’t blame you, Tobio.” The words were soft and he could smell the lightly citrus tang of cologne. “None of it was your fault. I’m happy that Bokuto-san found you.” He turned his head, seeing the bright orange hair and mischievous smile of Hinata. “I would pay to see that actually. Next time you should bring him with you, it gets lonely here.” 

“We will, we’ll come.” Kageyama nodded his head vigorously, basking in the comfort of Hinata’s warmth. “We’ll be here more, I promise.” 

“Hey Tobio… I love you.” 

_ Something was missing, something important. There should be someone next to him, but there was only cold and quiet. Something is missing. Something is missing. _

_ Screeching tires. Shattered glass. Crunching metal. _

_ Locks of hair on his arm. _

_ Something is missing. _

_ Hinata is...gone. _

He woke with a gasp, eyes flying wide as he heaved for air. The sky was still clouded, still blanketing the day with an air of melancholy. He turned his head to the cold stone, wishing for the head of wild hair and instead only seeing the inscription that broke his heart over and over everyday.

‘ _ Hinata Shouyou’ _ _  
_ _ ‘June 21, 1996 - December 12, 2019’ _

He traced his fingers over the stone, feeling the indentations of the carved words and letting himself break all over again. Tears streamed down his face, his nose running as his shoulders shook with sobs of anger and pain.

“I miss you, Shouyou. I miss you so much.” He stuttered the words through clenched teeth, choking on air. He lingered for minutes, maybe hours, he didn’t really know, until he calmed.

“You know, even after you’re gone you’re still taking care of me.” He laughed brokenly, “Even though I’m the reason we were out so late, you still find a way to tell me it’s not my fault. You even brought Koutarou to me, did you know that?” 

He laid back on the blanket and resumed staring at the sky, “I know you asked, but he never told you why he left Akaashi.” He grinned, “He loved you. But you were with me and it wasn’t fair for him to hold Akaashi down, so he left.” He paused, tears gathering in his eyes, “And then you...left. But because of you, he found me and I found him. I think he came to me because it was a way to stay close to you, and then it suddenly wasn’t just you holding us together anymore.” 

“I love him. And I love you. When we find you, after we do the living that you were supposed to be here for...when we do. It’s going to be us, all of us, together.” The chill of the overcast day started to settle into his cheeks and limbs and he knew it was time to go. Bokuto was waiting in the car for him and he didn’t want to take advantage of his patience.

Sitting up on his knees, he traced his fingertips over the words he had spent hours trying to find when his heart was shattered and his body numb. They still rang true, maybe more so than they did when they were first carved into the rock that served to immortalize Hinata Shouyou.

_ ‘The best of friends, _

_ An eternal partner in all things, _

_ A light taken from the world far too soon.’ _

“We’ll come back more. I know it gets lonely out here.” He stood gathering the blanket and letting tears fall freely down his face, “I love you, Shouyou.” 

He walked out of the grass, avoiding flowers and other people that happened to be in his path. It was quiet, but it was always quiet here. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate me. I hate myself enough already for putting this into the world.
> 
> But I would still love to know what you think! Thanks!


End file.
